


I Don't Trust Anything, or Anyone, Below the Sun

by draculaspetbee



Category: Roswell New Mexico (TV 2019)
Genre: Angst, Bullying, Canon Disabled Character, Canon-Typical Violence, Gen, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-12
Updated: 2020-02-12
Packaged: 2021-02-27 22:21:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,282
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22673212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/draculaspetbee/pseuds/draculaspetbee
Summary: POV AlexThis is a look into Alex's family, both bio and found and how he sees them."Looking back on it he should have known better. Alex doesn’t get a family, not one he can trust."
Relationships: Michael Guerin/Alex Manes
Comments: 17
Kudos: 62





	I Don't Trust Anything, or Anyone, Below the Sun

The problem about having family, for people like Alex, is that family always leaves. The day his mother left Alex’s heart shattered, and he learned at 10 years old that he is someone who does not deserve a family. If that hadn’t been etched into the flesh of his heart that day, it did as he grew. Weeks after his mom left, Jesse came out of his alcohol-imposed haze, and Alex lost his other parent. He knew there was no one on the planet who could consider Jesse a parent after the things he did to Alex and his brothers.

In high school Alex felt the pain as the rest of his immediate family eked away slowly when his brothers went off one by one to fight in a war Jesse pushed upon them. By now Alex knew better than to cry when they left him, he still received a calculating look from Jesse when he shook their hands instead of hugging them tight like he ached to.

In Alex’s junior year he felt the pain of losing the brother that he was closest to. His heart that he had spent so long trying to turn to stone cracked as loud as his head when Kyle shoved him into a locker. He watched Kyle’s back swim in his vision as he walked away, he allowed himself a second to feel the grief of his loss before he bricked up his heart again.

Alex lost his sisters all in one swoop. He blames himself for so much that happened that day. If he hadn’t been with Michael that night, he could have saved Rosa, and Michael would still have use of his hand. His mind knew this wasn’t rational, but he also knew deep in his bones that it was his fault. His father beat the idea into him as well, each hit bruising the lesson deep into his body. This was his fault; he was the reason these people were gone and hurting. His fault. But he still lost his sisters that night. Rosa was dead, Liz left, and Maria was inconsolable. He knew that he had to go, or risk losing the only other family he had left. He knew that when he lost Michael that would be it, the final bit of family he had no right clinging to would be gone. He knew he didn’t deserve Michael, but he would fight like hell to keep him, even if that meant having to leave.

There is a reason people call each other “brothers in arms” when they join up. You have to be a family when you are fighting together. The concept of trusting family was foreign to Alex, he hadn’t really fully trusted his family since he was 10 years old. After his first tour though, that trust had been gained by a small number of people. He doubted they ever knew how rare that trust was for him to give, especially to his family. When the Humvee they were in exploded, Alex lost his small family all at once, once again alone. He thanked a god he no longer believed in that the ringing in his ears drowned out the screams of his family in that desert. He dimly saw the one person he still considered his own flickering like a mirage in the desert haze, he felt the panic spike through the fog in his brain as much as it could, as he watched him disappear as Alex passed out.

Alex woke in the hospital to a nurse telling him that he was safe, he had lost his leg, he was in Germany, and his family was here. His brain caught at that, the piece he didn’t know already, wondering how Michael had gotten there. When he saw the outline of Jesse in the doorway instead of Michael, he felt ice sink into his veins. The painkillers took over, and he allowed himself to slip away, knowing that at least what was left of his family was still safe without him.

When he first saw Michael again after that day it was like the bricks he kept around his heart cracked open, allowing light back in. There he was, his family, the only one he hadn’t lost yet. His heart leapt in his chest, he leaned towards his person, and then,

“A real Manes man huh?” Alex felt his bricks fall back into place. He’d forgotten his rule so quickly it surprised him, but you Don’t Trust Family. He let a smirk show, leaned down and tapped his leg,

“3/4ths of one” he watched as pain flickered across Michael’s face and cursed inwardly. He always hurt his family.

Caufield happened and he finally admitted out loud the truth that he had held in his heart, beneath the bricks, etched there right next to his knowledge that he didn’t deserve a family.

“Maybe,” he felt his heart ache as if it was exposed in his chest beating in the open air, as he screamed. He couldn’t lose another family member like this, but he knew this time he would go down with the building, and he would go down with Michael “but you are mine!”

Alex watched as Michael’s heart shattered, and he knew that this act, this thing he was doing, maybe truly unforgivable to the only person he has left.

He sat in the chair, periodically checking his watch. He would come. He knew Michael would come back to him. He said he would. Alex had finally broken through his brick wall around his heart, he had started that day in Caufield, and he had finally removed the foundation during his confession last night. And Michael had told him to come back, so he did. Michael was his family, and he finally trusted his family again. After a few hours went by he began to get worried. His head, so filled with trauma, supplied images that he had tamped down deep last night. There had been blood on his shirt, there was desperation in his eyes, he was in trouble. Oh God his family was in trouble and Alex wasn’t there. He got up, his prosthetic aching beneath him and he stretched his muscles as he moved to his Jeep.

There, there was his truck. Alex let out the breath that had been aching in his chest as he pulled up next to it in the parking lot of the Wild Pony. At least they were here Michael and Maria, the little bit of his family he’d managed to bring together was together at the bar. He pictured Michael leaning on the sticky counter, drinking a bit to take off the edge of whatever had happened last night, but safe and waiting for Alex to come to him.

Looking back on it he should have known better. Alex doesn’t get a family, not one he can trust. He had learned that lesson 16 years ago when his mother left. He had been silly to hope, why did he think he could have a family when he’d been left his whole life? He doesn’t get to keep anyone; his family will always leave him. He feels the pain of it like a living thing in his chest, and he observed himself morbidly out of body, while he, like a Poe character, bricked it away ignoring the shrieks behind the bricks. Alex knew it was his fault, it was always his fault, so it was easy to ignore the pain when it was his own. He had walked in with hope high in his heart, and he left alone, walking into the dark with no one, again.


End file.
